Well im back. Probably the longest ive been without writing here, and do i miss it. A lot of things have happened since the last time ive been here and well here goes.

First off i finally got hired in Staples. I fix there pc's and well its a good job for now that atleast helps me pay my bills. But truth is im incredibly overwhelmed. Ive been super jumpy lately, get scared of everything and have been stuttering a lot of usual. All my problems seem to add up, and new ones just keep coming. I want to talk to my friends, kinda get it all out, but either im ashamed of my problems, or i dont have that type of friendship where i can spit it out immediately. Ive started taking a few thing personally more than usual, and i think its because of all the stress accumulating. IM hoping that writing here can kinda act as a venting process, and well get me back on track. I guess to everyone i seem like i have it all under control. I probably seem great because i lost all the weight, im doing salsa, throwing parties at my house, and have my own place. But truth is im a torn soul. Kinda like a great actor who has a shit load of debt that no one really cares about including himself because they all think everything is fine and dandy. The truth is besides the financial mess ive gotten into, well im also mentally drained. A lot of it goes back to when i broke up with my fiancee. And im smart enough to realize that im depressed in that department, and that same depression is what stops me from having a real relationship, or even a one night stand. Recently really hot, awesome girls have come into my life, the type of girl that is really easy, and i never have to see again. And guess what i know its every guys dream and all of that, but like it doesnt turn me on even in the slightest. And btw its nothing with my penis or an ability to perform, because i can, its just a not wanting to because i miss her. Kinda like when u make a promise to stay faithful, and that stupid little conscious comes down to remind you. Really sucks thou, because im young and should take advantage or the situation. But never the less, i dont say a word, play off the role im supposed to, but deep down, im hurting so bad. Even writing this, im tearing up. I miss her so much. It hurts even thinking about it. Everything i do, from learning salsa, losing 160lbs, getting a good job, all of that is to try to make her see one day, that im a good man, To try to make up for everything that went wrong. Recently i do things like throw parties, knowing i cant, knowing that i cant afford it, that any minute now i could get kicked out of here because of the noise or because i cant pay rent, and i do it anyway to try to fill the void, to try to fit into a world i was thrown into. I love my salsa family, theyve been great, but i usto be so responsible. usto  have all bills paid. usto be the guy everyone relied on, and well i miss being that guy. At work i started to be that guy. Im being called to do things that even people that been there for years cant do. And well i dunno what to do. I really dont. I have myself to blame for everything i guess. The worst thing is i keep getting pulled into a hundred positions. I hate not being able to please people. Wheather its my girl friend who want to hang, or my boys who want to party, my customers, or my job people. My salsa friends, or my childhood ones. i hate not being there for them, not being able to morph into a million alex's and have one for work and one for play. Then the grown up in me needs to try to take care of buisness and do work, when the kid in me wants to party to vent. And well most of the time i forfeit to whoever im with and do the crazy stupid thing and forget work. I tear myself up so much afterwards, hate myself , and cant understand why im not in control. why ive turned into the follwer , when not so long ago, i was a mighty leader, and destroyer of obstacles. Why i try to please so many , when i once commanded many. And this 2 gors back to the fact that i lost someone i loved so much, and i dont want to lose more. I hope whoever you are reading this, doesnt have to ever feel not even a fraction of what i feel, to have someone ripped from your life that you love so much, someone who you spent every single day for 6 years attached to your hip, and who you slepted with and adored. Who was the first person you opened your eyes 2, and the last to close 2. I dont want to lose my friends.... They all have so much they add to my life. In there own way, they are my new family. We may fight , we may hate each other at times, but i love them so much. Theres My once huge crush to now great friend Terry, who drives me up the wall doing things for school, but who i also adore because of her awesome advice ( which btw is always right) and ever so cool way of being. theres llira, who like brothers  and sister we are always fighting, but always come back for more. She is deffenitely sent from above to keep me in check, and is responsible for reminding me who i really am. Robby... the brother i never had. who can get me into huge problems, but i would give an arm for. ( not a leg cause then i cant dance) He has made many times memorable, and well i couldnt ask for a better bro. He;s that through thick and thin, and really thick kinda guy, who even though doesnt like to teach me salsa lol will always be the lil bro that can show a guy a good time. Lil Eddie as i call him, is like the lil lil brother i never had. Even with his age he teaches me so much. Makes me want to mature faster, and well even when we fight , i cant help but hope he wins , so we can get back to being friends. Nandi and Donna who act as big sister and always give me great talks and just are always there when i need a shoulder to cry on. Everyone else, from Robert to kenny just add the perfect mix to a great fraturnity house and well i guess God has a master plan out there designed to help me grow. I hate it when one of them needs something i im busy or work comes up, kinda feel like a failure as a friend and just start hating myself so much. My thing is why does it have to be so hard. Id thought that by now, id have the car, the house, and money in the bank. My everyday problems like deciding weather to stay in my job or go to the navy torment me. Like one day i think i'll just make that decision with a coin, and be done with it. Truth is , and if anyone has ever read my blog will know, the only thing in my life that would be priceless, are the woman im with, or the baby she would give me. My ex will tell you horror stories about me, but what she will never deny is how well i treated her, and what a great father id be. That alone is what i think is keeping me in ny. My phychic and even my mom , who usto be a phychic guaranteed me having a baby before the year is over. And well everytime things come up, like the navy calling, i pospone it a lil longer, hoping that either my ex comes back, to me, or somehow i new lvoe coimes into my life. Because Only God knows that what i truly want is to settle down with one girl. To be faithful, and to come home to that right awesome, dream girl. Not so much for her looks, but for the way she makes me feel. Basically what i once had. To wake up and think of how to make someones life special, and well to hug.... I havent had a genuine hug in so long. And you know what, that hurts so much thinking about it. But i havent had a girl in my arms in the longest. What id do to kiss the top of the one of loves head while giving her a hug. To think that a year ago, i had it , and she was carrying my baby....... And i ruined it. My punishment know is to every single night have dreams of her, and the way it was, and wake up to it all being vanished. the torment of it kills me every single day. Keeping it in doesnt help, and who knows what will happen in my story, but what is sure is that im getting tired of it. Starting fresh mayb be the only option........

No one really knows the pain inside. And thats probably because im always busy trying to fix other peoples problems and rarely fix my own. I keep caring way too much about if other people are ok, and well i guess no one ever is going to change that in me, but at the same time im learning that you know what / " i give a shit 2." This week i felt someones pain, and well it wasnt my place to butt in, but it took me back to a couple of months ago, where i was in the same place, where i wanted to show someone that i loved them so much, and well i had broken anything that resembled a relationship.

A lil secret i've been keeping from everyone is that i miss my ex- fiancee so much. I do check her facebook from time to time, and deep down i know i dont want her back, but the guy that i was, the guy that was engaged to her, the guy that shared a bed with her, and the guy that gave her a baby misses her soooo sooo much. Sometimes i wind up in front of her building, and well i wish she came out and just hugged me. Just dropped all the bullshit, and just kissed me. That would be the only thing that would make me happy right now. I have a plate of girls too choose from now, too many to count. Freaking super model like girls ready and willing to serve me and i would give all that stuff up in a second without thinking about it, for another chance at happiness. My friends talk about bangin girls, andliving the single life, and yes , im having the time of my life, but at the end off the day, id be happier with my wife and kids. I guess until you live with someone, share a bed for a few years and just go through many problems can you really appreciate being part of sumthing more than just fuck buddies. Now again , i dont want her back, never in a million years. but what i do want is that feeling, that comfort of having someone who is the one, the one person in this world who takes care of you regardless, through thick and thin, and in sickness and health. Where is my princess....

I've been losing weight so much recently. Been getting cuts everywhere and in all the right places.  The gym to me is a place where i can meditate and just think. I can sti down with myself, and just reevaluate, and ask myself the questions that confuse the hell out of me. Tomorrow morning should be fun. its the first time , im going to go under 197. Havent been that weight in about 15 years/ And yes i'll be making a video soon on how i did what i did.

And lastly, its almost time to join the navy. Almost time to start something new. Get a new chance to start fresh and do things right. Become someone new and improved, and i think its about time. Realisticly speaking i'll probably be shipping out in the next couple of weeks. and omg am i going to miss my friends, the salsa school, my job, and a few other things about this life. But in the long run, i'll be making myself happy, and thats all im about right now. People keep asking me what would get me to stay. And well as childish or as whatever it sounds like the only thing that can get me to stay is what i've been searching for for the longest. The one thing that can make me whole . And thats completion. TO have another complete my completeness. A simple kiss really. the one that makes me understand everything will be ok.

Wow its late ill finsih this tomorrow....